What in the Name of Mike Rozier is Happening?
AF recently sat down with AFFL Asst Commissioner and coach of the Pittsburgh Maulers franchise, Brian “Dangerfield” Purvis, Esquire, for what we thought was going to be a brief Q&A on the state of the Association’s brand new flagship league, the USFL-themed Associated Fantasy Football League (AFFL). Our staffer met with the coach in an equipment cluttered office that may have actually been a closet, deep within the locker rooms of Allegheny Junior High where the Maulers have been playing their home games in the shadow of Heinz Field until more suitable facilities can be arranged.
Sipping on a Scotch and grapefruit with a splash of Worcestershire – which the coach assured our junior reporter was quite delicious – our intrepid reporter managed just one question, before the Coach launched into an unprompted summary of the new league. The full transcript appears below.
AF: “So, Coach, how did you first get involved with the AFFL?”
Coach: “In the beginning, there was an email.
Come play, it said.
Long-term league, it said.
You will have fun, it said.
Kick Returners are lacking representation in the fantasy football realm, it said.
We all got sucked into this with promises of fame and fortune….well maybe it’s not as much fame and fortune as it is a quick one-line shout out on the venerated Associated Fantasy home page.
If you are like me, this was just one of the many league invites you received (to be honest these are the only invites I get. My two friends are Mark Kelso’s helmet guy and Todd Marinovich’s Dad).
Nevertheless here we are. All 19 ½ of us. *Crash is only counted as half as he does not have time to check his team having to send out emails about every one of his 129745 contests and leagues. My spam filter is overflowing.
Franchises are established, rosters set and 3 weeks down. Where are we? Let’s take a look…
In the South Division,
- The Orlando Bandits are the only undefeated team. Led by 1955 NFL MVP Adrian Peterson; the Bandits interestingly did not choose the actual name of the original USFL Orlando team (Renegades) instead of choosing Bandits, which was Tampa Bay’s team. Make sense? Nope. Does it matter? Nope.
- The Siloam Springs Panthers are close behind at 2-1. Siloam Springs High School is also named the Panthers. I see what you did there.
- New Orleans and Raleigh are amazing cities, with 1-2 football teams. Joe Mixon hasn’t been to Subway yet, so New Orleans feels confident he won’t be suspended; while in Raleigh the Gunslingers attendance is being hurt by protests outside the stadium as objections to the team name continue to mount.
- Are the players in Atlanta (0-3) really Stars? It feels like categorizing Pharoh Cooper as a Star is false advertising.
Over in the International Division;
- Everyone is 2-1 except the Invaders of Canada. Maybe this is because the only thing Canada has ever invaded was a 12 pack of Molson on a Friday Night. (I know, I know, War of 1812…take a joke Canada eh).
- It is admirable of the Breakers to hire senior citizens at TE in Jordan Reed and Jason Witten.
- I don’t know where Tracy is. I once knew a Tracy though, and she was nice. I also know of Dick Tracy and Tracy Morgan. So there is that.
- B.C. has to be as upset as a Canadian can get eh. Upset that the Invaders were callous enough to claim all of Canada as their own. One might say they ‘Invaded’ B.C.. (cut to crickets chirping)
- Then there are the Wranglers. I am not going to say another word. When Tony Soprano is listed as an owner of a team I keep my distance.
In the Wild, Wild West,
- Again 4 teams are 2-1. The Federals are not. They have as many wins as The Association of American Football has full seasons…0.
- I am assuming San Quentin is being run from Cell Block C so we will just skip them.
- Interestingly enough both East LA and SoCal employ ex-felons Travis Kelce and Ito Smith respectively…wait…the booth is telling me they are not felons. Well, they should be.
- Henderson Gamblers….uh-huh. I also see what you did there. I ‘BET’ that was an easy choice.
Finally the East,
- Kokomo…damnit now that song is in my head. Aruba, Jamaica ooh I wanna take ya
- At 1-2 the Outlaws are still dangerous. Don’t sleep on them. If you don’t get it I am not going to help.
- NY/NJ and Pittsburgh chose to keep the original USFL franchises team names and colors. How did that work out the first go-round?
- Miami Stallions sound like a bar in South Beach where middle-aged divorced women go to see men dance in banana hammocks. (again, if you don’t get it I am not going to help you).
Listen, we’ve gotta wrap this up now, I’ve gotta be outa’ here by 4 so they can hold badmitton practice. Put down that I said good luck in week 4 everyone! And be sure you spell my name right, it’s Brian D. Purvis, Esq. Until next time….”